Keeping up with the pain

MANILA, PHILIPPINES. I have stayed in the Philippines for almost a year now. I went home from Canada to heal my chronic jaw pain, which points to an illness called trigeminal neuralgia (TN). Living with TN is not as sweet as the sound of this illness. Over the past few months, the consistent numbness of my left cheek, half of my tongue and my head signals fear that challenges my sense of optimism and resilience. Whenever this happens, I usually withdraw from the social scene and make sure that I am alone. Being with myself allows me to face the painful “I”, grasping its essence, recognizing its presence. In this lonesome moment, my body is at its weakest, my mind at its lowest, but my heart and spirit never waiver, reminding me of the beauty of the people and the environment around me. The smile of my mother, the grit of my father, the humour of my brother and the laughter of my nephew are just few of the many blessings that keep me going.

Norway and the Netherlands sojourn II

The world of social scientists circa 2009

MANDALUYONG, METRO MANILA. It was fascinating to witness hundreds of social scientists from different parts of the world gathered at Griegallen Hall (Bergen, Norway) for the very first World Social Science Forum last week. I consider myself fortunate to be given a chance to listen to what “experts” say about the present state of social science viewed from different perspectives. What most impressed me is the insistence of some social scientists to be socially relevant especially in the field of policy. This reminded me of why I chose sociology to be my profession. However, the practice of social science does not necessarily lead to a romantic relationship with policymakers. Rather, according to the experienced experts, their engagement with power and the powerful in their respective societies is never smooth.

This description reminds me of the thorns guarding beautiful roses. Here I imagine the rose as society’s goal, be it equality, justice or order. The stems and branches that hold firm this rose are the social institutions. The thorns are the by-products of these institutions that are endowed with power to either guard or hurt society’s goals.

Listening to the discourses of fellow social scientists at the World Social Science Forum, I realized that our practice of social science does not necessarily mean that we are guarding the “rose”. We, too, are suspects. We, too, have pretences to resolve. Our scientific ways of examining the workings of society (thought to be the beacon of our intellectual power) could also hurt society. For one needs to first ask, whose society are we talking about and for whom?

My Norway and the Netherlands sojourn

Part 1

BINANGONAN, RIZAL. Amidst the worldwide anxiety on the spread of influenza virus A(H1N1), earlier named as swine flu, I attended the first World Social Science Forum held at Bergen, Norway, and had a side-trip in the Netherlands. This sojourn was made possible through a full grant generously given by the International Social Science Council, which was facilitated by our very own Philippine Social Science Council. I presented a research poster based on my dissertation project entitled, Value Formation of Inactive Filipino Youth, better known in the country as “istambay”.

The flight from Manila to Amsterdam was long. I have a bad cold and dry cough but because I was conscious not to solicit attention, I brought with me medicated candies. What was noticeable during this flight was that only few people dared to cough; a rarity in my years of travel – thanks to the widely spread news about the new influenza virus. After watching two movies and a few chats with Ruth, a friend from the University of the Philippines and a fellow research poster presenter, I was able to rest well.

At Schiphol airport (Amsterdam), we met Butch, another fellow Filipino presenter. After nearly three hours of waiting, we took another two-hour flight to Bergen, Norway, our final destination. At the Bergen airport we met another Filipino presenter, Windi. The four of us were welcomed by the cold and rainy Norwegian spring weather (around 6 degrees Celcius).  Unfortunately, we missed the 11:00 pm bus that shall take us to our hotel. We waited for the last scheduled bus at 11:50 pm, and we reached Rica Hotel past midnight. It was raining so hard and all of us were soaked into the cold water foreign to our tropical skin. This is Bergen’s way of welcoming visitors from warm countries like us; a free cold nature’s bath with wind that tunes up our tropical expectations into chilly realities – welcome to a cold country!

I finally got to sleep in a heated room and a warm bed at around 2am, Norwegian time. What a long cold day indeed!

Summer rain

MANILA, PHILIPPINES. Last April 22nd, the day when the world celebrates Earth Day, it was disturbing to experience flooding in Manila. That afternoon, the rage of rain sank the whole of the University of Santo Tomas and other nearby areas. Most of us were caught unprepared and left some, including myself, dumbfounded. For about a week now, the sky demonstrates a fickle-minded temperament, which usually bursts a rage of rain. This is indeed climate change.

The bond that religion makes

BINANGONAN, RIZAL. It has been three years since I spent Holy Week in the Philippines. For us Catholics, this is a week-long commemoration of the death and passion of Jesus Christ. It is also a week-long family/community affair of all sorts – reunions, processions, prayers with lots of eating and story-telling. This is also the time when religious practices are taken to our streets to dramatize Christianity. Everywhere I go, from the market to my home, the mood is joyous and prayerful.

What I enjoy most about spending Holy Week in the Philippines is the sense of belonging that I feel whenever I attend the mass and participate in the processions. I am always fascinated to see what brings people together and there is no doubt that our Holy Week truly manifests a Filipino sense of community.

Over the years, physical structures may have altered the landscape of my town but the social bonding that the Catholic religion has built through rituals has remained fundamentally, the same. Yes, it is remarkable to see how education could influence the mind, but it is more remarkable to witness what the practice of religion could do to individual souls. Here in the Philippines, Catholicism has permeated a way of binding us as a community of which I am happy to be a part of.

Free cold summer breeze in Baguio city

MANAOAG, PANGASINAN. Over the weekend, I had fun seeing the summer capital of the Philippines, Baguio City. Jeff, my best friend, accompanied me to this weekend get-away to see if the weather in Baguio is still cold compared to the scourging heat and humidity in Manila. Nature did not disappoint us.

During our stay, the weather in Baguio was cold. Session road, Burnham Park, Rizal Park and the Cathedral are jam-packed with criss-crossing people. The public market, despite the recent fire tragedy, is also littered with people, both local and international tourists. I, too, noticed a number of young Koreans, who I supposed, are international students in local Baguio schools.

It was my first time to roam around SM Baguio City and I was fascinated with its architecture. It is a large shopping mall that did not require air-conditioning because it is relatively cold in Baguio year round. There is a veranda overlooking Burnham Park. The view from this spot is breathtaking.

Seeing the grandeur of Baguio City from this view, I find it weird to think about environmental protection. Probably, it is the old environmentalist me, kicking off my senses. I have been to this city many times and I have personally witnessed the shift of landscape, and the conversation of Baguio lands into this sprawling urban enterprise. The change that I see seems to be a natural consequence of the culture of consumption that has been the persisting worldview of this generation.

Yes, I observed that whatever it is that one could find in Manila, one could also find in Baguio. But if there’s one thing that Baguio offers, which Manila would not be able to give away for free, it is her cold summer breeze. And for this, I am thankful that up to now, I have not seen Baguio’s cold air packed into bottled containers for individual consumption. This is not far from happening and so for this short visit, I made it sure to breath and feel as much as I can, the touch, bounty and spirit of Baguio’s summer breeze.

Skating with sweet pain

MANILA, PHILIPPINES. Today, I decided to ice skate with my brother and nephew at SM Megamall, one of the few malls in the Philippines that have a skating rink.

Ice skating is a skill I learned from my Canadian friends. Then, I was afraid to hurt myself and I was ashamed to stay in a cordoned area with the kids as I rise and fall, finding my balance; putting all my body weight (with the excess pounds) on metal blades that are supposed to kiss and slide on the plate of iced floor. Yes, I was shameless.

It is funny recalling that time when my fellow skaters give me a look of mercy. Everybody in Dalhousie’s ice skating rink wants to help me. And I felt that everyone, young and old, wants to help this chubby brown hobbit to learn ice skating. The bad falls humbled my aching back. I may have suffered physically but that was incomparable to the happiness I felt when finally, the pitiful stare of my new found skating friends has turned into a blissful gaze. It is as if they saw in my hard-earned slides, a glow of whiteness in my deep-browned skin.

So when I returned to the Philippines, I made it sure to take home with me my cherished pair of ice skates. I still do not know the twists, turns and tricks of skating but at least I could slide forward, enough to circle around the skating rink. This time though, I am pleased to be in a brown ice kingdom feeling like a prince hobbit flying in the ice skies paying the same Canadian rental fee – for a skating moment.

When one is in pain, it helps to relive beautiful memories. For those moments powerfully possess a positive energy that rejuvenates an ailing body. This is what I celebrate by ice skating!

Returning pain

BINANGONAN, RIZAL, PHILIPPINES. Today, my nerve pain returned. I noticed it because for a number of hours, I was unable to think. I felt like doing nothing. Just like before, my disorientation took me to a full day of rest, tentatively forgetting my working self. When this happens, I blame pain for being cruel.

I hate cruelty. It is a condition of the mind that when executed takes away the integrity of a person. It is dehumanizing. It cripples the heart and buries the little enthusiasm and hope that is left to a suffering being. Yes, I find cruelty in pain as well as pain in cruelty. They go hand in hand. But related they (pain & cruelty) may be, they enhance the meaning of life. And this truism allows me to take courage one day at a time.

Silent crash

I was silent for weeks but when my books and documents from Canada finally arrived the second week of November 2008, I was inspired to write my thesis again.

Over the few weeks, I continue to appreciate my everyday victory over pain. I have grown used to the discomfort and as a result, I found more time reading, thinking and writing. I was once more attuned to the energies of my mind and data analyses have become handy again. For my trigeminal neuralgia, I have let go and let God as I got immersed once more with the promise of academy. Then, my hard drive crashed.

I committed a mortal error that is detrimental to the mental state of a thesis writing student like me. I forgot to make a back-up copy of my work; I forgot to save my files. I lost my almost two months of laborious analysis and drafts.

Now I realized that during those long hours of analysis and writing, my hard disc for three years was probably in pain, too – for too much stress, for too much work. However, my hard disc did not show any symptom of illness. Without any signal, it just died. It crashed silently without any fanfare.

This is relatively different with human body, with my human body. For more than a year now, I have been an active suffering body, showing signs of infection but no clear remedy in sight. Unlike my hard disc, I am still given a chance to renew my bodily energies despite the pain. I am not just a human-made technical gadget. I am a being whose best gadget is my humanity.

My technicality rests in the very nature of how I face the crises that silent crashes bring into my everyday life. This is the character that teaches me more about life, and the joy of living.

Healing nature, healing time

MANILA, PHILIPPINES. I am fascinated with discovering the healing power of nature and time on my pain- body. Almost four weeks ago, I decided to stop taking antibiotics. Despite the discomfort and numbness, I taught myself to accept the everyday pain and live with it. I tried alternative medicine like acupuncture, herbs and water therapy. I also consulted with local healers. And I have also been prayed for by my family, friends and communities.

Slowly but surely, I am starting to feel better; better than 10 months ago. There is less dizziness and less disorientation; more of concentration. I have been more productive with my everyday life.

When I was told by medical experts (both in Canada and the Philippines) that a nerve in my jaw area might have been infected or damaged, they reminded me that complete healing might take a considerable amount of time. This does mean anything to me until now.

The present moment has taught me that there’s no short-cut when nature has been tampered. For chronic pain carriers like me, patience is a virtue (to muster) and time should be made an ally.

I am the pain-body. I am nature communing with time.