MANILA, PHILIPPINES - This late morning, the CT scan result of my Para nasal sinuses (PNS) was handed-over to me by Julio, a radio x-ray technologist of the Hospital of Infant Jesus. Dr. Uy ordered this CT scan yesterday when he saw my swollen left cheek and confirmed that the wound inside my mouth has re-appeared. According to my doctor, the wound appears like leukoplakia, which is a precancerous lesion. Twice, I was scheduled to have a biopsy but both were canceled due to swelling. Even a bite size biopsy would just lead to bleeding because this wound does not show any healing. The CT scan should determine any abnormalities in my Para nasal region. The result was negative.
Julio was pleased to read the result to me but I refrained from showing any positive emotion. My reaction puzzled him and he dared asked, “Are you not happy with the result?” I smiled back at him and only responded, “Maraming salamat po (Thank you).”
What Julio did not know was that I have been suffering from chronic pain in the last 9 months. This experience introduced me to the lofty world of medicine and health professionals. Now, the sight of hospitals and the thought of visiting a doctor render me a discomforting feeling. Pain is one meaningful term that I can now deduce and chew on. As there are many kinds of people, there, too, are many variations of pain. Unfortunately, mine as of the moment is “mysterious”, nothing short of being devoid of any scientific explanation.
The numbness in my left cheek seems to have penetrated even my emotions. My mind refuses to think about my health. My heart bleeds due to these medical uncertainties and it seems not to bother anymore.
‘Guess, time has a funny way of teaching the human mind and heart to accept what has gone habitual despite the horror it inflicts, especially when the rational mind tagged the reality as “mysterious”. I see the danger in this numbness of feeling and the madness in human person’s inability to control one’s contingency. But what can I do?
In the meantime, the everyday physical pain goes on – howling and haunting.
