MANILA, PHILIPPINES – Two weeks ago, I am starting to feel better. With the acupuncture and the herbal medicine, I thought I am on my way to “healing”. Twice, Dr. Uy, my ENT, cancelled my scheduled biopsy. The first cancellation was due to my swollen gland but the second time was good news. Dr. Uy saw that the wound in my trigeminal area (inside my mouth) was starting to heal. I, too, felt better those few days. Then last week, I woke up feeling numb on my left cheek. I observed for three days then I decided to see Dr. Uy again. When he saw me, he confirmed that my left cheek is swollen and the wound inside my mouth returned. He felt bad and insisted that I should not have a bite biopsy for fear of profuse bleeding. He then ordered a CT scan of my Para nasal sinuses (PNS) to be sure that there are no abnormalities, mass or tumor. Last Saturday, I got the good news that everything is normal. Dr. Uy gave me another set of antibiotics. Our hope is that the wound will heal again so as not to pursue with the biopsy. (He hesitates to do the biopsy because he could not feel any mass or tumor in my jaw region.)
There are times that I feel better and there are moments of weakness when my body just wants to sleep. I have taken the radical step of not speaking and I realized that silence renders me a deep sense of relief. I also discovered how vulnerable my pain body is whenever I hear or think of something dreadful and stressful. Still, I cannot smile and laugh as much as I want. This, too, gives me some sense of disappointment. Nevertheless, I find solution in reading and writing. It is not far that I may be able to finish my dissertation and “other” books if I am able to redirect this beautiful silence into mindful activities and activities of the intellect.
I cannot believe that for more than five months now, I speak with so much calmness in a low-tone voice, which is far too different from the person and the character I play all these years of my young life. Whenever possible, I amuse myself with singing one or half song but without the usual drama and dynamics. I am still cheerful inside and I am always conscious not to inflict my chronic pain to the people that I love most. I fear that if I will continue to struggle with this illness, I may not be able to accept any ordinary teaching job that uses “voice” but this does not mean that my person will be silent. I will still make it a point that my biography counts in the midst of the present moment of our very interesting Filipino and world history.
Hi Clarence,
Thanks for directing me towards the blog. I hope that the wound continues to heal and look forward to reading more news in the coming weeks.