I feel numb. Now that I am writing the last portion of my thesis, I do not feel that I am myself anymore. The ideas and the words I wrote seem to take away all my bodily sensations. I feel different, and the pressure is mounting.

I just hope that when I complete writing this thesis, this process did not damage the nerves that allow me to enjoy the simple things in life.

Last week, after finishing up the youth narratives of my respondents, I realized that what I have been writing about in Chapter 5 of my thesis is not making sense. In fact, I am contradicting myself by writing a separate chapter about the “individual” in istambay (using Bourdieu’s habitus) and another chapter about the social dimensions in istambay phenomenon (also following Bourdieu’s notion of fields).

What I eventually discovered was that this habitus argument about the istambay is intricately interconnected with the larger social contexts (social fields), and thus cannot be separated, if I want to fully examine the constitution of istambay status. This implies that youth inactivity in the Philippines is both deeply personal and social. A phenomenon that speaks volumes about the overlapping crises (economic, cultural and social) that these istambays navigate and negotiate in a country where the state is weak and futile.

I always find writing narratives fun because I like telling and listening to stories. I like reading books, articles, documentaries and watching films. I consume stories everyday from news to interviews to reality TV to sitcoms to music videos to audio documentaries to paintings to cartoon sketches to internet chats to text messages to phone calls to chats to writing my own books. I find narratives as my life’s enterprise. The process of writing gives me a collage of feeling (sadness, happiness, hope, love, faith, disappointment, etc.), which humanizes my being. I find all things around me as data, which allows me to see the complexities of life and living.

As a writer of narratives, I have the power to highlight what in my view, are essential, even if I am telling other people’s story. I could simplify what seems to be complex, and hide things that I deem unnecessary. It is a task of mind, which could numb one’s heart. And so as I write the youth narratives of my respondents, I make myself conscious of my power as the narrator and my tendencies to highlight my own voice instead of telling their stories. I would like to believe that I handle each youth narrative with care; an intersection between my respondents’ revelation of their lives and my interpretation. This is never an easy task but a meaningful one.

I could only hope that for those few individuals who would have the chance to read these youth narratives, they would see that I incorporated not only my mind but also my writing soul.

Below is a reflection poem I wrote last December 2005 during Philippine fieldwork after all the interviews with youth, parents and teachers and focus groups (youth) were done in two case study sites for my istambay thesis. Originally, I wrote this poem in Filipino but I personally translated it into English as this (possibly) would be included in my thesis (also presented here, just scroll down.)

Hindi Lahat
ni Clarence M. Batan

Hindi lahat ng mga kabataan ay
nakapag-aral o nag-aaral.
Hindi lahat ng kabataan na nag-aaral ay
nakakapagtuloy ng pag-aaral.
Hindi lahat nang nagtatrabaho ay nag-aral.

Hindi lahat nang nag-aral ay may trabaho.
Hindi lahat nang nag-aral ay may trabahong
ginagamit ang kanilang pinag-aralan.
Hindi lahat ng istambay ay
tamad at ayaw magtrabaho.
Hindi lahat nang humahanap ng
trabaho ay nakakakita nito.
Hindi lahat ng kabataan ay
gustong umasa sa kanilang mga magulang.
Hindi lahat ng kabataan ay masaya
kapag nakikita nilang nahihirapan
ang kanilang mga magulang.
Hindi lahat ng kabataang nakagawa ng
maling desisyon sa kanilang
buhay ay ayaw ng pagbabago.

Saan, kailan at sa paanong paraan
Mabibigyang-solusyon ang mga
Suliraning transisyon ng
Kabataang Pilipino?

Hindi lamang sa pamamagitan ng kanilang mga sarili.
Hindi lamang sa palagiang tulong ng
kanilang mga magulang at mga kapamilya.
Hindi lamang sa pagmamalasakit ng pamayanan.
Hindi lamang sa polisiya at batas.
Subalit higit sa lahat, ang pagtangan ng
Kalidad ng pag-iisip —
Na may kakayahang intindihin ang proseso’t sumuri
Sa mga istrakturang depekto ng mga isyung ito –
Na kung saan ang bukang-liwayway ng perspektibong ito
Ay magsisilang ng bagong henerasyong
Makikipagtulungan sa dating henerasyon

Upang baguhin ang kasalukuyan.
Nang ang di pagkakapantay-pantay sa lipunan
Di man mawala nang tuluyan ay maibsan nang labis –
Upang ang susunod na henerasyon ay
Hindi na magkukwento ng naratibo ng hirap ng Kanilang mga magulang.

Sa halip, ang ibubunyag ay
Kwento ng pag-asa, pagmamahalan at tulungan.
Ang salaysay kung paano ang nakararaming
Karaniwang pamilyang Pilipino ay nakaalpas
Sa tanikala ng kahirapan.

Hindi lahat ng pangarap ay natutupad.
Ngunit sana, ang mga kataga sa tulang ito ay
Hingahan ng Maykapal –
Upang magkabuhay.

***

Not All
By Clarence M. Batan
English translation of “Hindi Lahat”

Not all Filipino youth that I know
Went to school or are studying.
Not all youth who are studying
Are able to finish their education.
Not all Filipino youth who are
currently working were able to go school;
Not all those who went to school have jobs.
Not all working educated Filipino youth
Are able to practice their professions.
Not all istambay youth that I know
Are lazy and not willing to work.
Not all youth who are looking for work
Are able to find them.
No, not all youth that I know
Like to remain dependent on their parents.
Not all want to see their parents
desperate due to their dependence.

Not all Filipino youth who made wrong decisions
do not want meaningful change in their lives.

Where, when, and how could
These transition crises of
Filipino youth be abated?

It ain’t just through personal dispositions to change.
It ain’t just by the charity
Of parents and family’s welfare.
It ain’t just with community’s care.
It ain’t just through policies and law.
But more salient, is having a
Quality of mind –
Able to process and ponder
The structural defects of these issues –
And that this daybreak of perspective would

Give birth to a new generation of Filipinos
willing to work well with the older generation -
To change the present.
That inequalities in our Philippine society
Though persistent, may be mitigated,
So that the future generation will no more
Tell about the poverty narratives
Of their parents.

Instead, the visions that they would share
Are stories of hope, care and reciprocity.
A narrative where the majority of
Ordinary Filipino families would be freed
From the knuckles of poverty.

Not all social ideals come into being,
But who knows, may be,
the words spoken in this poem
May be touched by a Great Spirit
And breathe life.

Over the last few days, I have been thinking about why istambays smoke and drink a lot. After analyzing my data, I find it too simple to say that the reason why they engage into these socially-problematized behaviours is just mainly due to their lack of work and employment. The effect of gender in the regression models is stronger and persistent in predicting the odds of smoking and drinking in the Philippines. That is, Filipino males are more likely to smoke and drink than their female counterparts.

There’s nothing big or surprising about this finding. But this insight establishes the complex location of istambay in Philippine society. This possibly explains why often when we see istambay on street corners, we also see them smoking and drinking. But who are these istambay? What are they? Why mostly Filipino males?

While I fully enjoy writing the qualitative part of my thesis, yesterday morning, I find it difficult to do quantitative analysis. I do not think in numbers but my adviser and my friend Margaret have always been patient in teaching me the rudiments of social statistics since 2002.  Amongst the many multivariate analytical techniques, I find analysis of nominal data more useful in my sociological practice.  So over these years, I laboured on reading articles particularly on correspondence analysis and logistic regressions. However, I did not expect that one day I will find myself enjoying this laborious task of crunching numbers.

Yesterday, I was so pleased thinking about my variables of interest, cross-tabulating, checking out the correlations and finally, producing three models for my multinomial regression. Now, I finally understood the meaning of the numbers as they behave in ways that suffice my expectations and confirm some of the underlying dynamics of my istambay thesis. Here, my quantitative analysis is speaking directly to my case studies producing a more solid description of youth inactivity in the Philippines.

This is turning-out to be a more meaningful academic exercise.

Yesterday morning, I was interviewed by Don Connolly and Elizabeth Logan on their radio program, Information Morning at CBC Radio One (90.5) about the damaging flood that struck the Philippines last September 26.

(Click the image to go to my website and listen to the radio clip.)

While the condition of my family and relatives is relatively good, after this flash flood and two typhoons (storms), Talim Island, the community where I do my research needs urgent help. I came across this news link entitled, ‘Ondoy’ brings windfall to lake fishers (http://inquirer.net/specialreports/ondoyreliefdrive/view.php?db=1&article=20091005-228418 ), which specifically urged relief workers to reach Talim Island. Salvador France, the local fishing organization (Pamalakaya) vice-charman explains that “the victims in Talim seemed to have been forgotten. No relief operations have been conducted or relief goods delivered to the island”.

Talim is about 30-40 minutes boat ride from my residence at mainland Binangonan, Rizal. The surrounding barangay (villages) around the fish port are still submerged into 2-4 feet of water making the travel to Talim more difficult. My family members confirmed that the water level in my research site rose beyond normal level and some families need assistance.

I am in touch with my local research assistants to identify those families who are severely affected by the flood. I hope to generate enough funds to help them.

I woke up at 4:00am smiling. I felt a mixed feeling of excitement and happiness. I dreamt that I successfully defended my thesis. I was so happy sharing this news to my Mama Volet and my aunt, Mommy Margie. The exchange of emotions was so ecstatic that it aroused my consciousness. I am just dreaming.

I still have two more full chapters to write and I have to get going.

For four straight days, I wrote the last part of Chapter 4, which is all about exploring who and what the Filipino youth istambay is all about. The process of writing was both challenging and fascinating. I devoured all related information from various sources and endeavoured to produce a systematic understanding of why some Filipino young males become “istambay”. After all is done, I felt a sense of intellectual satisfaction and happiness. I am starting to find meaning in what I have been writing over the years. Is this a moment of thesis grace?

Yesterday, I went to see my adviser to know his opinion about my Chapter 4. While he was not able to finish reading all my text, he was pleased with the clarity of my work. He said that he is happy to witness the improvement in my academic writing and see my ability to present a coherent argument.

Once more, he affirmed my doubting soul by saying, “Clarence, I have no doubt that you’ll finish writing your thesis in due time for early next year’s defence.”

Better keep on writing.